St. Mary's Hospital
Nineteen and Twenty
Dale and McCausland
Dr. Budd was round
a tower
with glazed eyes
after he left I paced
trying to think
of ways to get mom
out of her body
Her hands a paper map
thin skin
trimmed cuticles
polished-
she did not seem
to me part of
something dying
She willingly accepted
the business
of death.
As the morphine kicked
in I asked questions
railing against
her inhabiting
this new identity
land.
My sins were
in speech, fear
My regrets in moments
alone with
her
asking
always for
something she could
not
do
The year my mother died
my father drowned
into a boozy
self - love sea
ruled by anger
I read the shape
of our house
negotiating contours
wading against dips
through tides
angled fear
T.V. was Jesus
didactic
learning
how we know
if it’s time to call
the hospital who I will be how I can wings
I slept on the floor
not wanting to touch
anything
she had been
on in
I hid in teenage memory
fishnet stockings
leather jeans
tank tops
foggy living in through
the things I did
not care to do
Weak impatient
Waiting
waiting
(still waiting)
for her return
pretending I did
not hate
love the sorrow
In the mornings
my brother said, Good Morning J
I’d say, Shut up Matt, just shut up.
Mom was a statue
of loss.
In our brown bathroom
she painted
black hair blond
True cigarette in right hand
scotch and ice water
drip drip
down the sink table
pink towel
to catch
falling color
I sat next to her
watching
long red nails
run through brittle hair
In morning
I felt washed
in her and dad’s
thick hangovers
I didn’t know if
they’d wake up
I kept bags packed.
Often-
a cold room at Howard Johnson’s
where dad would’ve found
us crying cradling
hiding.
Brisk mornings in the hotel
she put baby powder
on my scalp
to cover grease
from not
having washed
the night
before
At school I wouldn’t
get out
Begged
let me go
back to the hotel
to the building with
big beds locked doors swimming pools clean running water.
Jessica Freeman is a graduate student in English at SIUE where she studies with Josh Kryah. Her work has appeared in Tinderbox Magazine, River Bluff Review and FloodStage.
